Driving at Night with the Headlights On

I have decided to take up running again. Specifically, I have set a goal of running (or probably more realistically jogging) a 5k in April. It's 6 weeks away and I have started following a Couch to 5k workout program. After looking through the workouts, I decided that I wasn't quite starting from the "couch" category so I decided to begin with the workouts for week 4. The workouts at this stage alternate between a fast walk and a jog with a beep indicating when you should switch your pace. I completed the first workout today.


As the final jog interval began, I faced a choice - to the right was the easier path and to the left was the hill. It might as well have been a mountain, given the fact that I haven't run hills for a very long time (probably going back college). Something inside me demanded that I take the hilly path to the left. Maybe it was the fact that I already feel like my life is on the hilly path, so why not. Maybe it was simply my desire for a challenge. Either way, once I was on it, I was there and turning back just didn't seem like an option.

For the first 30 seconds or so I felt great. Then I slowly started to feel the burn in my legs. And my breathing became heavier. And I kept staring up that hill. The top seemed so far away. What came to my mind in that moment was something I had read awhile ago.

Anne Lamott offers the following musing in one of her books (with my brain as mushy as it is these days I just can't remember which one)..."The great novelist E.L. Doctorow once said that writing a novel is like driving at night with the headlights on: You can only see a little ways in front of you, but you can make the whole journey this way. It is the truest of all things; the only way to write a book, raise a child, save the world." 

I would add to the end "run a 5k" and "continue moving after a loss". And on this day I would add "run up a hill". As I started to look only just in front of me, jogging up the hill became easier. Concentrating on the next step and then the next step and then the next step allowed me to move forward without getting caught up in the immensity of the whole task.

Before I knew it, there was the beep. But I wasn't at the top of the hill yet. So I kept jogging. And jogging. When I reached the top I transitioned to my brisk walk with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. It was a great feeling and I think a good lesson for me as I struggle through the pain of loss, the difficult rhythms of a busy work life, and the challenges of being a single mom.

"You can only see a little ways in front of you, but you can make the whole journey this way."