On Top of the World

After 4 months of training I am 1 week away from the NJ Marathon and my first attempt to achieve a qualifying time for the Boston Marathon. I still pinch myself at the thought. I can't believe that my running journey, which started as a way to cope after the loss of my husband, has brought me to this place of incredible personal fulfillment and challenge.

Since I started training for my first half marathon in December 2012 I've run more than 1,360 miles and I've completed six half marathons, one full marathon and many other shorter races. I've raised more than $6,000 for the American Cancer Society and the Colon Cancer Alliance in  memory of Joe. I've met amazing people who share in my life beyond the roads and trails and watched as friends and acquaintances have taken up running and told me that I was part of the inspiration.

I've had some big ups and some frustrating downs over the last 4 months, but I'm ready to make a go at it and see where my training has gotten me. I have been following a more aggressive training plan this time than when I trained for the NYC Marathon last year - incorporating more speedwork, regular core exercises, as well as higher mileage runs and more of them. I've been working on my mental game too, training my brain to push on when I think I can't and to keep moving no matter what. I've trudged through the snow, the freezing cold, plodded out long runs on the treadmill, and most recently eaten bugs for 12 miles (ah, spring!)

I also decided not to race at all in the month leading up to the marathon because one thing that I have learned about myself as a runner is that it is not in me to treat a race as just a "training run". If I'm in a race, I run hard no matter what and I've learned that is a bad formula for the weeks leading up to a big race. For me, the not racing has been the hardest part of this training cycle. I have grown used to starting my race year sometime in February and not letting up. This year, my calendar has looked quite different - just two races in March and then nothing until the marathon on April 27 - so right about now I am more than a little antsy to toe a starting line. Hopefully, that's a good thing.

During my two races in March a song floated to the surface that has come to take on so much meaning for me during this training cycle and I have a feeling it will be central to carrying me through the race next week. I'll put it in my shuffle more than once for sure. On Top of the World by Imagine Dragons always seems to keep popping up at big moments. It played just as I was entering the Battery Park underpass during the NYC Half Marathon on March 16 - the last mile of the course. It came on during training just as I was running up the big hill in Thompson Park. It was the song playing as I ran along Lake Michigan two weeks ago with the sun shining and my heart positively overflowing as the bridge came through my earbuds. More times than I can count I've had it on repeat after a particularly rough day or to get me going in the morning.

I really do feel like this song is the story of me right now.

On Top of the World by Imagine Dragons

If you love somebody

Better tell them while they're here 'cause

They just may run away from you

You'll never know quite when, well

Then again it just depends on

How long of time is left for you

I've had the highest mountains

I've had the deepest rivers

You can have it all but life keeps moving

I take it in but don't look down

'Cause I'm on top of the world, 'ay

I'm on top of the world, 'ay

Waiting on this for awhile now

Paying my dues to the dirt

I've been waiting to smile, 'ay

Been holding it in for awhile, 'ay

Take you with me if I can

Been dreaming of this since a child

I'm on top of the world.

I've tried to cut these corners

Tried to take the easy way out

I kept on falling short of something

I coulda gave up then but

Then again I couldn't have 'cause

I've traveled all this way for something

I take it in but don't look down

'Cause I'm on top of the world, 'ay

I'm on top of the world, 'ay

Waiting on this for awhile now

Paying my dues to the dirt

I've been waiting to smile, 'ay

Been holding it in for awhile, 'ay

Take you with me if I can

Been dreaming of this since a child

I'm on top of the world.

And I know it's hard when you're falling down

And it's a long way up when you hit the ground

Get up now, get up, get up now.

And I know it's hard when you're falling down

And it's a long way up when you hit the ground

Get up now, get up, get up now.

'Cause I'm on top of the world, 'ay

I'm on top of the world, 'ay

Waiting on this for awhile now

Paying my dues to the dirt

I've been waiting to smile, 'ay

Been holding it in for awhile, 'ay

Take you with me if I can

Been dreaming of this since a child

I'm on top of the world.

My March Races

My first half marathon was in Miami on March 9, 2013 and I ran it in 2:11:39. I loved the race so much that when the time came to sign up for the same one this year I did it right away. It's turning into quite the birthday weekend for me - I bring my little guy, we catch a Mets Spring Training game, and I get to run a race.

This year's race fell on March 2, 2014 - smack in the middle of my training for the NJ Marathon - and it became the race that made me feel like I really can qualify for Boston. After the harshest winter I can remember my body and soul both desperately needed a break so this long planned escape to Miami could not have come at a more perfect time.

My friend Juanita, my son and I boarded a plane early that Friday morning bound for sunny Fort Lauderdale. We took off from 10 degree overcast skies and landed in 77 degree sunny perfection. It didn't matter that my checked baggage was misplaced for an hour in the airport or that the line at the car rental counter took almost 45 minutes. We had a weekend of sun and warmth to help us forget about the more than 50" of snow and record cold temperatures that had plagued us all winter in NJ.

The weekend in Miami was just what I needed and by the time I toed the start line Sunday morning I had a feeling that I was ready for something big. My goal was to beat my previous best half marathon time - the 1:51:30 that I ran in the Rock n Roll Half on September 15, 2013. I was hoping to run a sub-1:50 half marathon.

When I got my results I almost couldn't believe what I had accomplished...not just sub 1:50, but WAY sub 1:50.

New PR! Michelob ULTRA 13.1 Miami Beach: Anne Luck-Deak - Finish in 1:46:34. Pace 8:08. Powered by Michelob ULTRA. @131Marathon
— Anne Deak (@MamaDeak) March 2, 2014

Running past the cruise ships along MacArthur Causeway

It felt amazing to start the year off with such a great race and although I knew conditions in NYC would not be quite as friendly (many more hills and a whole lot colder!) I also knew from that race that my fitness had improved greatly even since the fall.

Two weeks after I ran the half in Miami I was running 13.1 through the streets of Manhattan. I didn't originally make it in to the lottery for the NYC Half Marathon, but I'm so glad I made it in when they did the second draw. There really was nothing like running through Times Square even if I had to wait around in the 20 degree cold at the start line and run all the hills of Central Park to get there. This was an incredible race for me.

Towards the beginning of the race I had "I Run for Life" playing on my shuffle and kept seeing Team Determination runners and Fred's Team runners one after another. I freely admit getting choked up by that. As we ran through Times Square and then out 42nd street towards the West Side Highway I was overcome by the combination of the latest Afghan Whigs song playing in my ears and the memory of driving Joe along that route to his chemo treatments.

The crowd support was a blast. It was fun to end the race around the block from CWA's NYC office and to once again be part of a large race in the greatest city in the world. It was cold. It was windy. There were hills. But it was fun and I managed to finish in 1:48:10 - not too shabby considering the cold, windy and hilly parts.

Congrats @MamaDeak! You are one fast #morherrunner! #NYCHalf pic.twitter.com/uyV8jgJsbz
— Malinda Ann Hill (@MalindaAnnHill) March 16, 2014

At the finish line!

Ready to Run

Running NYC & Miami built my confidence and taking this past month off have rested my body and cleared my mind. I'm hoping the combination has put me in the best place possible for Sunday. No matter what happens, I'm sure my first marathon in New Jersey will be unforgettable. I've been thinking a lot about this quote that my friend Malinda posted during her training and just being thankful that I haven't been afraid to name my goal and go for it, even though it is awfully big.

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we often might win, by fearing to attempt." - Shakespeare #MarathonTraining #Train2BQ
— Malinda Ann Hill (@MalindaAnnHill) March 16, 2014

Here's to ATTEMPT #1!

Waiting on Easter Joy

I'm anxious for the sunrise.

This has been a particularly meaningful Lent for me. I have participated (to the best of my ability) in the 40 bags in 40 days challenge and have cleaned out huge areas of my home (and consequently my life). I have kept the words of William Arthur Word in Fasting and Feasting close to my heart and tried to let them shape my attitudes and actions. And, as a result of both of these things I have found myself in deeper relationships, in moments of profound spiritual meaning, and renewed in my passion for the work that I do every day.

But I long for the joy that comes in the morning.

In my work, I am constantly in the midst of struggles for justice in all its forms and there has been no shortage of stories where the fight continues against immense odds. In my own personal life and in the lives of those around me there have been dark times and overwhelming grief. Domani is feeling Joe's loss in new ways as he grows, now wishing almost every day that he could "have his Daddy back". We are indeed Easter people living in a Good Friday world.

And I am ready to celebrate the end of Good Friday. And Holy Saturday. I am ready for our Risen Lord - especially after the last three days.

Thursday was a doozy. Work was stressful. I got myself into a car accident on the way to my office. Then, came the news that there was fraud on my credit card and a new one would have to be issued. Later that day it was a migraine and unbearable traffic on the Turnpike. By the time I arrived to my church's Maundy Thursday service I was feeling everything but holy.

And then my Lenten journey - the struggle between darkness and light - was caught in this beautiful prayer we said and I just could not hold back the tears.

A Prayer for Liberation

One: Gracious and Loving God, you make us for life that is full and joyous; you make us for love; you make us for community; you make us to be free. Too often, we turn from your ways and oppression results for us and for our sisters and brothers. God of the Exodus, act anew in your world.

All: Liberate us from the oppression of selfishness for the freedom of sharing. Liberate us from the oppression of anger and hatred for the freedom of peace. Liberate us from the oppression of guilt for the freedom of forgiveness.

One: God of the Exodus, liberate your children. Restore us to freedom.

All: Liberate us from oppression based on skin color or gender or other external characteristics for the freedom of living together as your children. Liberate us from the oppression of closets for the freedom of claiming our identity as your beloved. Liberate us from the oppression of false privilege for the freedom of knowing who we truly are.

One: God of the Exodus, liberate your children. Restore us to freedom.

All: Liberate us from the oppression of ruthless competition for the freedom of cooperation. Liberate us from the oppression of financial poverty for the freedom of sufficiency. Liberate us from the oppression of overconsumption for the freedom of enough in your grace.

One: God of the Exodus, liberate your children. Restore us to freedom.

All: Liberate us from the oppression of fear for the freedom of faith. Liberate us from the oppression of cheap cynicism and false optimism for the freedom of hope. Liberate us from the oppression of isolation and indifference for the freedom of love.

One: God of the Exodus, liberate your children. Restore us to freedom. We pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

I went home Thursday night, put Do to the Beast by the Afghan Whigs on my automatic turntable, mixed up a gin & tonic, and sat with my box of cards, letters, and mementos from the last 2 years. It was just as spiritual as the service at church. Just as I was about to begin my second spin of the album, the little guy woke up and wanted to join the listening party. It seemed right and so the second spin was for the two of us.

On Friday we had the joy of a lunch with my grandmother and the fabulous stories and special love that go with that. Then, once again, a visit to church to observe Good Friday. The church was open from 12pm-7pm, allowing people to stop in whenever they wanted and stay for as long as they wanted. There was a page prepared with readings to use as a guide for your time there, but I also just put my earbuds in and set some songs to play on my iPhone (something amazing about listening to Lost In The Woods in the sanctuary). It was the words of the guided approach that caught me this time.

Today God makes common cause with our human suffering.

We read the scriptures, sit with the hymns and feel the feelings of the day Christ died.

Suffering is not rational. It has no answer. But in the cross God meets us in our suffering. From this day forward we know that there is nowhere we can go where God is not with us. God, into your hands we commend our spirits.

For as dark as these days and months have felt there could have been no words more reassuring. After all, being alone in the dark is so much worse than the dark itself.

Today, Domani and I paid a visit to both the cemetery where my 3 grandparents are buried and the cemetery where Joe is buried. Domani has been asking more questions about death and heaven these days. I guess it comes with the territory of being a 3 year old and having dealt with death so intimately already. He wanted to know if we carried Daddy up to heaven when he died. He wanted to know when he could go to heaven and be with his Dad. And he wanted to know who brought the toys to the grave of the little boy buried next to Joe and what had happened to the train that was there last time.

Tonight, he was sad going to sleep. He looked up at the picture on his wall of the three of us from when he was a baby and said again that he wants his Daddy back. 

Yes, world, I am ready for Easter. I am so ready for Easter.

Black Love & The Thin Veil Between Heaven and Earth

I've been following the UPS tracking all week as my vinyl & CD copies of Do to the Beast by The Afghan Whigs have made their way across the country, inching ever closer to my doorstep. Today, at 12:27pm the package was checked in to a UPS facility in Horsham, PA - wherever that is. Tomorrow, it should arrive and the 16 year wait will be over. 

So tonight, I had the very important task of making sure Joe's turntable was up and running. I wanted to make sure that things went smoothly for my personal listening party tomorrow night so when I got home tonight I tucked the little guy in bed and got right down to business. I pulled out the automatic turntable and the cords that were stuffed in the cabinet with it and made my first best guess at hooking everything up.

I went to Joe's impressive vinyl collection and chose the first thing that grabbed my attention - My World Is Empty Without You as covered by (who else) The Afghan Whigs. I found a spot to put the turntable, plugged it in, pushed "play/cut" and listened to nothing but faint sounds. Ugh. Obviously I needed to pay more attention to all the cords that had been stuffed in the cabinet.

So, I started playing around and after half an hour still hadn't figured it out. Damn it. Joe and I had listened to this turntable together. Why didn't I pay attention? Why don't we ever pay attention when we think we don't have to? Why am I entertaining existential questions when I should be figuring out how to get the turntable to work? Finally after a few foolhardy attempts at getting the sound to work that are too embarrassing to mention here I heard the still, small Joe voice say, "just google it". So I took the full name of the turntable and chose the highly sophisticated act of typing in "kenwood automatic turntable kd-65f troubleshoot" and found exactly the summary I needed to push my problem solving over the edge.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen (GENTLEMEN!), I wasn't plugging in the phono preamp which if you own one of these automatic turntables probably has you thinking "stupid girl" and if you don't probably has your eyes glazing over and skipping to the next paragraph. 

Oh the joy...oh the rapture....when My World Is Empty Without You started playing through the stereo speakers. I listened in stunned silence, only pausing long enough to text a friend who I knew would instantly understand the enormity of the moment.

And then I knew it was time to raid Joe's vinyl collection and kick back with a drink. Tomorrow night it will be Do to the Beast on repeat, but tonight it was an old favorite heard in a different way. Tonight it was Black Love with a gin and tonic and a thankful heart for the thin veil between heaven and earth that still allows me to remember a rich love and celebrate what it brought to my life and where it has landed me today.