Last week, as I was driving home from work, a song came on my playlist that almost forced me to the side of the road. It's not a new one, but if I had heard it prior I certainly was not paying attention. From the first two lines, the tears started coming and by the chorus I was full on ugly crying while driving north on 95.
I've listened to this beautiful song by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill more times than I'd like to admit over the past week. It keeps drawing me in and forms a sort of soundtrack as memories of my life with Joe race through my mind. I realized tonight that it feels especially poignant now with the calendar turning to our son's 12th birthday. With such a big marker approaching, I have no doubt that it's the music video that my mind creates as I listen that has brought me back to listening over and over again.
While I was driving to a meeting tonight, listening to the song and bawling (again) it fully clicked for me. The deep pain I've been feeling this week is a natural extension of being a first hand witness to our incredible son growing up without his dad. It has sucked from the moment Joe died and as Domani creeps closer and closer to adulthood, more and more is revealed of what is missing for both of us, but especially for him.
There is something about Domani's birthday this year that is hitting different. Looking at him I feel like he has gone from little boy to young man almost overnight. Every 3 months he needs new shoes and I can barely keep up with everything he eats. He can keep up in adult conversations and has taken on new levels of responsibility all around. Sometimes it is awe inspiring, sometimes bittersweet and every once in awhile it is downright gut wrenching. But it is a time that his dad would have loved to be here to walk him through. And Joe would have been so good at it.
Instead, with each year that passes, I work to fill in the gaps - all the while seeing more and more of "Joe" in him.
His technical know how.
His curiosity.
His kindness.
His sense of humor.
His thoughtfulness.
His looks.
His compassion.
His memory.
If you knew Joe, it is impossible to be around Domani and not see "Joe" things pop up in some way. I have found that the similarities are comforting and painful all at the same time and I have realized that I am grappling with the nuances of that dichotomy on a regular basis.
I more often remember with a smile than tears and I do my best to name for Domani the parts of him that remind me of his dad. I know that is a gift for him - maybe not the kind of gift he expects to receive for his 12th birthday - but a gift nonetheless.
As for me, I'll probably listen to this song a bunch more times. It's a lovely reminder of the bond the two of us shared and the many ways that Joe is still carried forward in our lives today.
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| September 2022 in OCNJ |
When God calls me homeAnd my soul is laid to restThat won't mean I'm goneDarling heaven knowsI'll love you just the sameSo, don't you feel aloneYou may cry a tear or two and that's okayJust know I'll never be too far away
I'll be sleeping in the starsShining through the darkWatching, smiling, singing out in the silenceEverywhere you are I'll be sleeping in the stars
Some steps that we takeLeave an everlasting markEven death can't take awaySo, if you're missing meJust look inside your heartAnd let the memories play
You may cry a tear or two and that's okayLook up and know I'm not that far away
I'll be sleeping in the starsShining through the darkWatching, smiling, singing out in the silenceEverywhere you are I'll be sleeping in the stars
I'll be sleeping in the starsShining through the darkWatching, smiling, singing out in the silenceEverywhere you are I'll be sleeping in the starsEverywhere you are I'll be sleeping in the stars
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