It started with "What would you think about moving this couch over there?" while we were co-working from my house. It seemed like a simple enough suggestion and I was feeling hungry for some change. The next thing I knew the work from home day had melded into spend each minute of break time and the rest of the evening going full Marie Kondo on my house - and I love my friend Adam for it more than I could ever put into words.
In the end, this wasn't just about rearranging some furniture or throwing out some old stuff. This was about another step on my journey of piecing together life without Joe.
I may be the organizer by profession, but he was always the organized one in our relationship. With him, everything had a place and he regularly enforced the rule that if something new came into the house, then something old went out. He was never about accumulating stuff and that was one of the many ways that we balanced each other out.
I was the collector between the two of us and I had plenty of glorious collections. I remember him making me go through my piles of VHS tapes after we moved in together. Very few movies survived. While he didn't force me to get rid of any CDs, he did insist their containers go and that they be stored in a binder. He tried to pare down my action figure collection too, but some things were just non-negotiable if our marriage was going to work.
Joe kept our place clean and made sure it never became overrun with things. He kept this up even when our newborn was added to the mix, which was no small feat.
After he died, I had help from many friends and family members to keep up with our place, but as time went on and the routines of life grew around us, my son and I did our best to work out our own rhythms in the midst of everything else. Those rhythms became a once in awhile purging instead of a daily discipline of thoughtfulness with regard to our things. Two separate years since his death, I spent the Lent season working my way through the 40 Bags in 40 Days discipline. Each time, I didn't only make physical space in our home I made spiritual, emotional, and mental space within myself.
It's been over 3 years since I last did this extensive work of cleaning and making space.
I didn't even notice how much the state of our home had impacted my emotional and mental health until we started moving the furniture around on Tuesday. By the time we had finished rearranging the living room and found a proper home for the many things that once occupied the space, I felt Joe's presence in a way I haven't in that room in a very long time. I can't describe it, but it was palpable.
Of course, rearranging the living room led to a few bags of things that actually belonged in our shed. So, once the work meetings were done that was the next stop. The shed is one place that still holds lots of obvious memories of Joe. Until he got sick, he was the one who took care of the yard work and used all of the associated tools and gadgets. The shed is also home to the bicycles that haven't been used since before his cancer diagnosis and the inflatable kayaks that met the same fate. Over the years, the shed had become less and less organized with each season that passed.
There wasn't time for a full rework of the shed, but the warped cornhole boards were put out for the trash along with old political yard signs and an assortment of other items that were damaged beyond use. An old garbage can became home to my son's sports equipment, some of which was being relocated from the living room, and all the beach items were finally put in one place.
After about 45 minutes of sweaty work, the shed was transformed and ready to be used without the gymnastics of navigating items wedged in just carefully enough to get the door to close.
The living room. The shed. It was a lot for one day when also combined with a full day of work. But why not keep going, right?
When I said I could never put into words how much I love Adam for doing this with me, it's the kitchen that I think of the most. I know this would have been the room to make Joe the craziest had he been here to take a peek at it. The "tupperware" cabinet was so packed it was no longer usable. We had snacks. candy, and coffee stacked up on a section of the countertop with random appliances taking up most of the rest of the counter space. There were things in the cabinets so deeply hidden that I had forgotten I owned them.
After about an hour of work in the kitchen, I had to leave for an event at my son's school. By the time I returned, Adam had sorted through that exploding tupperware cabinet and made sense of how best to organize everything with the space I had available. It was one of the nicest things someone has done for me in awhile.
As we cleaned out what had become a junk drawer in the kitchen (I will never again separate cups from their lids by the way), I came across a tiny chocolate from The Ritz Carlton. I instantly recognized it. as being from the trip that our young family took to Washington, DC to see the Mets play the Nationals in September 2011. It was our son's first Mets game and we splurged to stay at the same hotel where the Mets players were staying. It was a very special weekend and I brought the chocolate, which had been left on our pillow one of the nights, back home with us to remember it.
Joe died 3 months after that weekend trip. That was one old, but meaningful chocolate.
Making space is never just about cleaning out a drawer to make room for the cutting boards.
That tiny square of chocolate brought me back to the time I was cleaning out spaces in our house that first Lent in 2014. That's when I finally decided to eat the two chocolate teddy bears from the last Thanksgiving we shared with Joe. What I learned then is that when the time is right, it's right. As we worked to make space in the kitchen, I no longer felt any reason to hang onto it, so I carefully unwrapped and then ate the Ritz Carlton chocolate. It didn't taste great, but the sweetness of the memory sure made up for what the chocolate had lost over the years.
It took us much longer to finish reorganizing the kitchen than we planned, but making our way through those 3 spaces changed my whole attitude. I'm so thankful that I agreed to move that couch and am feeling more than ready to tackle what's next.
